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Humans are at war with the Transformers, and Optimus Prime is gone. The key to saving the future lies buried in the secrets of the past and the hidden history of Transformers on Earth. Now, it’s up to the unlikely… wikipedia.org
Original release date: June 21, 2017
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Action
Director: Michael Bay
Running time: 149 mins
Budget: $217,000,000

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would hazard a guess that Michael Bay would sooner lose his own testicles than hand over the reins of the Transformers franchise. In fact, given the swilling testosterone that sloshes around these battling space robot movies, the two are perhaps inextricably linked. Bay has effectively been waving his balls in our faces for five films now. But given this latest blitzkrieg of blah, it seems the best thing that could happen to this series would be a new director, with new ideas and, ideally, a passing familiarity with storytelling. That, or consigning the whole metal mess to the scrapheap.

Despite the fact that Bay employs his usual technique of having characters shout descriptions of what is happening on the screen (sample dialogue: “Oh my God, look at that, it’s a big alien ship!”), the plot is a car crash of impenetrable stupidity. This story hitches a lift on Arthurian legend and chucks in some Dan Brown-style ancient artefact peril, before descending into the usual bludgeoning effects-laden climax. Mark Wahlberg returns as autobot wrangler Cade Yaeger; new additions to the cast include Anthony Hopkins (eccentric aristo with a ninja robot butler) and Laura Haddock, playing Vivian Wembley, an Oxford history professor. Perhaps you need to be huffing petrol fumes (or whatever it is that the autobots run on) but 149 minutes have rarely felt so interminable.

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